CHARACTERS (1f, 1m)

Lisa – femme, any ethnicity, 20s-30s. A spindly praying mantis who also happens to be a scientist.
Santiago – masc, Latinx, 20s-30s. A hopeless romantic and moody poet. Also a praying mantis.

SETTING

A makeshift habitat for two praying mantises, which is actually just a jar of dirt.

SYNOPSIS

Lisa and Santiago have been trapped in this jar for nearly their whole lives and time is running out. With Lisa’s scientific knowledge and Santiago’s poetry, they must come up with a plan to escape and change Mantis-kind forever. But will the torrid history between male and female praying mantises stifle their plans to reproduce? Or will Santiago embrace the risk of post-coital cannibalism?

The inside of a dirt and twig filled jar. “bad guy” by Billie Eilish plays in the background. Two praying mantises at rise. Santiago writes in a notebook, often looking off towards the shadow, putting his hand against the nonexistent glass of their jar. Unbeknownst to him, Lisa studies him intently. 

SANTIAGO

What do you think she is doing?

LISA

I don’t know. It’s…weird.

SANTIAGO

But beautiful.

LISA

That’s one word for it.

The song ends. Then restarts. Lisa groans.

SANTIAGO

She is fascinating.

LISA

This is the sixth time we have heard this song in a row.

SANTIAGO

She enjoys it.

LISA

Yes. She enjoys it. She continues to flail her arms in a similar way and gyrate her hips awkwardly at the same parts every time.

SANTIAGO

It’s like poetry.

LISA

It’s, like, sad. If you ask me.

SANTIAGO

Oh, Lisa.

Santiago stops and then scribbles passionately into his journal. Lisa rolls her eyes.

LISA

I can’t believe you’re in love with her.

SANTIAGO

I can’t help it. She’s perfect.

LISA

Santiago, you are a praying mantis. She is a human. That is not love.

SANTIAGO

Lisa, please, just because you’ve never know the existential torture of forbidden love does not mean you should squelch the possibility of that in me.

LISA

(knowing this will sting) She calls you “Mr. Green.”

Santiago shifts. Visibly angered.

SANTIAGO

Oh, do not talk about that.

LISA

I hit a nerve didn’t I?

SANTIAGO

Do not—Lisa, why would you bring that up?

LISA

Because if she actually gave a shit about you, she would learn your real name.

SANTIAGO

You’re…jealous.

LISA

I’m right.

SANTIAGO

No, she’s — it’s endearing.

LISA

Santiago, are you really going to let her call you Mr. Green? After everything your family has done?

SANTIAGO

You’re trying to make me mad.

LISA

Is it working?

SANTIAGO

Yes. Oh! Why is she like this? Why doesn’t she care? Why doesn’t she even notice me???

Lisa didn’t mean to hit this much of a nerve and she works to do damage control.

LISA

She notices you Santiago. She feeds us crickets everyday. Fresh.

SANTIAGO

Who cares? I would starve for just one look.

LISA

Don’t say that. For one, it’s pathetic and also … humans are strange. They take interest in things intensely but do not meditate on them like we do. They move onto the next thing. See?

SANTIAGO

Oh, there she goes. On her box of light.

LISA

I believe it’s called a phone.

SANTIAGO

How do you know that?

LISA

While you’re busy thinking of ways to put words together, I actually learn new ones.

SANTIAGO

Hm. You are something of a watcher, aren’t you?

LISA

Something like that.

The music stops. Lisa and Santiago both rush to spots at the glass to get a good look, perhaps even standing on one another chaotically.

SANTIAGO

The music.

LISA

Do you think she’s—

SANTIAGO

Shhhh. Watch her. Reach for her coat. Slide it over herself. Looks around. The shoes, kicked off when she came in, now slid forcefully onto her feet.

Lisa rolls her eyes. They stare.

SANTIAGO

Look back. Look back…please, look –

The lights dim slightly, the slam of a door. Just Lisa and Santiago. A beat. Then Santiago retreats into another part of the jar.

LISA

I’m so sorry, Santiago.

SANTIAGO

No, you are not.

Santiago quietly mopes. Lisa sighs.

LISA

I just want to be out in the Big Green again. Don’t you miss it?

SANTIAGO

Perhaps. Perhaps I fill my time with thoughts of her to drown out the intense yearning to be back in the trees.

LISA

Love will do that. A very helpful distraction.

SANTIAGO

Not really. I’ve barely written anything valuable the entire time I’ve been trapped in this infernal glass…glass –

LISA

Jar.

SANTIAGO

Jar? What an ugly word.

LISA

You’re always writing. There must be something of note in your leaflings.

SANTIAGO

No. It’s all saccharine, maudlin, uninspired. My ancestors would be disappointed. My great-great-great – you know, I don’t even know how many greats since we go through a generation every spring, but my ancestor, he is said to be the muse of the legendary Gabriel Garcia Marquez. My mother says he wrote the most insatiable prose. The legend goes that Gabriel called my however-many-greats grandfather Santiago after the main character in the story he was writing. And right before his death, my grandmother promised him that she would name her first hatched son Santiago. And this tradition has continued all the way down to me.

LISA

The last Santiago.

SANTIAGO

If I stay stuck in this jar.

LISA

Wow, thanks.

SANTIAGO

Oh, Lisa. You are a beautiful, spindly mantis, but I am not ready to die yet.

LISA

Santiago! That is such a sexist stereotype.

SANTIAGO

It’s not! No male mantis in my family has ever lived to meet their offspring, it’s a fact.

LISA

Then you must have genetically bad taste in females.

SANTIAGO

The Santiagos follow their thoraxes, we can’t control that.

LISA

That’s lazy. Infatuation is not an excuse for poor judgment.

SANTIAGO

Lisa. You don’t understand.

LISA

I don’t have to “understand” to know that you’re excusing your self-destructive behavior in order to continue a desperate cycle of tragic toxic masculinity.

SANTIAGO

You really are a watcher.

LISA

I believe humans call it “a scientist”.

SANTIAGO

Mmm…scientist. That is a word I can wrap my raptoral legs around.

LISA

Alright, easy.

SANTIAGO

You call yourself a scientist now, Lisa?

LISA

I think I do. I’ve learned quite a bit from watching and listening. Which is why I know that the actual chance of you being cannibalized should we copulate is only about 17 to 28%.

SANTIAGO

Where did you learn that?

LISA

Before you got here, she used to read to me.

SANTIAGO

She used to read to you????!!!

LISA

Yes. We were close. Me and her.

SANTIAGO

You never told me that, Lisa.

A moment.

LISA

I feel like I’ve learned so much from watching. I know so much now, unlike any other mantis out there. And it all ends here with you and me. How terrible. Knowing is terrible.

SANTIAGO

There is something incredibly poetic about that, don’t you think?

LISA

A poem never to be read, then.

Santiago looks away and looks through his writings. Lisa watches him.

LISA

You deserve to have mantis-kind read your work. For all the Santiagos before you.

SANTIAGO

You’re right.

LISA

I may have a plan.

SANTIAGO

To liberate ourselves?

LISA

(excitedly)This jar has a volume of 32oz. It barely fits the two of us. On a good day, I can reach from one end to another, about 3.9 inches. If you were much taller, you would knock against the lid. All that is to say, we’re already in too close of quarters.

SANTIAGO

So?

LISA

So. What if we…rubbed our thoraxes together and made it impossible for her to keep us in this jar?

SANTIAGO

You mean…

LISA

We should fuck.

SANTIAGO

Oh, Lisa!!! I told you, I cannot!!!!

Lisa starts to move in on him throughout the lines. Santiago starts off keeping his distance until he is eventually charmed.

LISA

Santiago, the chance I would rip your head off before we finished is/so low—

SANTIAGO

A 28% chance is not low! That’s very high!!

LISA

I promise I won’t.

SANTIAGO

You cannot promise what will happen in the passion of a moment. A throbbing thorax is a powerful thing!

LISA

Ugh, never say that ever again. This isn’t like a ~love thing. This is a science thing.

SANTIAGO

But –

LISA

If this place is overrun with mantis nymphs, she will have no choice but to let us go. It will be too overwhelming to try and keep us too.

SANTIAGO

So we would be free to return to the big green.

LISA

We don’t have much longer, Santiago. Our life cycles are waning. It’s our duty to Mantis-kind. We could change everything between my research and your angelic prose.

SANTIAGO

I do not know. How could I leave her?

LISA

You want to be Mr. Green the rest of your life cycle?

SANTIAGO

…no.

LISA

Exactly. And don’t tell me you haven’t at least thought about it.

Santiago is taken off guard. Lisa’s demeanor has changed.

SANTIAGO

About you and me?

LISA

At least once.

SANTIAGO

I…perhaps.

LISA

Don’t you wonder? What it would be like?

SANTIAGO

If I don’t have a head afterward I can’t do much wondering.

Now close enough to touch, she runs a hand against him.

LISA

Ignoring possible decapitation. Don’t you wonder what I would be like?

SANTIAGO

I – yes, I have.

A beat. Santiago looks at Lisa. Then, they kiss. Unfamiliar at first, but then not. They draw away and then –they’re off. They end up in a passionate entanglement against a rock in their terrarium. Lisa straddles Santiago and they begin to “mate”. Throughout, there are moments of pause – “Is this okay?” ; “Can I do this?” ; “Are you good?”. This is an extremely consensual encounter between two mantises.

SANTIAGO

Lisa, you – you’re driving me crazy.

LISA

Oh no.

SANTIAGO

What? Should I stop?

LISA

No, no, keep going.

SANTIAGO

Are you okay?

LISA

(almost bursting at the seams)I could lay a clutch twice as large if I decapitated you. Scientifically.

They both stop and look at each other. Santiago, despite himself, is absolutely turned on.

SANTIAGO

Really?

Lisa nods.

SANTIAGO

Keep talking.

Lisa, taken slightly off guard, recalibrates. They begin to move again.

LISA

Uh…let’s say I…decapitated you.

SANTIAGO

Oh…

LISA

And then ate your head.

SANTIAGO

Uh huh.

LISA

And the rest of your body.

SANTIAGO

Oh my god, Lisa.

LISA

Do you like that?

SANTIAGO

Yes.

LISA

Do you want me to rip your head off?

SANTIAGO

Yes.

LISA

Beg me.

SANTIAGO

Please rip my head off.

LISA

I said beg.

SANTIAGO

Please, please, please, please, PLEASE tear me apart and eat me, I want to die, I want to die, please, I /need you to—

Reaching for his head, on the verge of orgasm.

LISA

Oh, FUCK.  

Blackout. The sound of a neck-breaking. Release.

End of play.

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MARJORIE MULLER lives and writes in Chicago, IL. Some accomplishments of note include a place on the Kilroy’s List (2020), feature in Avalanche Theatre’s Biannual (Spring, 2020), and feature in Urbanite Theatre’s Modern Works Festival (2019). Her commissioned adaptation of Dracula for young adults premiered in Fall of 2020. Untitled Mantis Play… was first performed by Impostors Theatre Company in 2020. To learn more, visit marjoriemuller.com.