Cast of Characters

NATHAN – A gay man of any ethnicity, should be fairly young. He’s dead, but looks no different from any other young professional in the morning.

GRAHAM – His widower, close in age, perhaps a little younger. Looks like a man suffering through a week of grief.

Scene

Living room.

TIME

Mid-morning.

LIGHTS UP ON:

(Living room. Midmorning. GRAHAM is sleeping on the couch. He is in his underwear, his clothes scattered somewhere nearby. An old sheet barely covers him. The television is on at low volume before him.)

(NATHAN enters, appears to open curtains. Turns off television.)

NATHAN

Rise and shine, cherry blossom.

(GRAHAM covers his head with the sheet.)

GRAHAM

No…

NATHAN

It’s almost ten o’clock. You don’t want to sleep your life away, do you?

(NATHAN pulls the sheet off.)

GRAHAM

This can’t be happening.

(NATHAN throws his hands over his head.)

NATHAN

Mornings happen every day. Wakey wakey little sleeper.

(NATHAN tries to pull him out of bed. Eventually GRAHAM will sit up.)

GRAHAM

You can’t be here.

NATHAN

Neither can you. You should be drinking coffee and reading one of your trashy romance novels.

GRAHAM

They’re not trashy romance… they’re teen paranormal romances. Totally different thing. And after this, I’m never reading one again.

NATHAN

Why not?

GRAHAM

Because…You’re here.

NATHAN

I live here.

GRAHAM

Nathan…

NATHAN

(playfully mocking)

Graham…

(GRAHAM covers his head.)

GRAHAM

I’m not doing this… Go away…

(NATHAN pulls the cover off his head.)

NATHAN

Nope.

GRAHAM

I knew it was just a matter of time before I went crazy.

NATHAN

Insane people don’t question their sanity.

GRAHAM

Sane people aren’t woken up by their dead husbands.

NATHAN

Oh, that.

(While this scene progresses, NATHAN will urge GRAHAM to get up off the sofa. NATHAN will try to help GRAHAM get dressed, but he’s too distracted.)

GRAHAM

Are you haunting me?

NATHAN

Haven’t I been haunting this place with your memories of me? You think of me when you see my coffee cup, my hairbrush, the indentation I left on the bed…

GRAHAM

If you came here to make me feel better, you’re doing a terrible job. So leave me alone.

NATHAN

You wouldn’t have manifested me to wake you if your mind really wanted to be left alone.

GRAHAM

My mind would’ve sent Ryan Reynolds.

NATHAN

Already thinking of another man?

GRAHAM

I was always thinking of Ryan Reynolds.

NATHAN

He’s not available, so you’re stuck with me.

GRAHAM

I’m not stuck with you anymore. I’m as unstuck as you can get.

NATHAN

Maybe you brought me back to re-stick you.

(reflects)

That doesn’t sound right…

GRAHAM

You expect me to be able go on without you?

NATHAN

I didn’t request to have you buried alive next to me.

GRAHAM

Don’t be morbid.

NATHAN

How can I not be morbid? I’m dead.

(examines GRAHAM’s socks)

If you wore the slippers I bought you, your socks wouldn’t get so dirty and torn.

GRAHAM

Nagging me from beyond the grave.

NATHAN

My words will always haunt you when you throw out a torn sock without trying to sew it first.

(NATHAN playfully throws the socks at GRAHAM.)

GRAHAM

Hey! Ghosts can’t throw things.

NATHAN

Maybe I’m a poltergeist.

GRAHAM

Don’t make me call an exorcist on your ass.

(GRAHAM sits back on the couch. NATHAN sits next to him.)

NATHAN

Listen. I may be dead, but you’re not. As much as you hate to face the fact, you have to get up today and tomorrow and every day after that and face the world.

GRAHAM

I can’t do it today… of all days.

NATHAN

Why? Because of that little court thing this afternoon?

GRAHAM

Little court thing!? Your parents are trying to take away our house.

NATHAN

There’s no way that’s going to happen.

GRAHAM

You don’t know that. I could be out on the street come Monday.

NATHAN

It won’t happen that quickly. Besides, you have plenty of friends who’ll put you up.

GRAHAM

Had.

NATHAN

They’re still there. You’re just choosing to ignore their calls and texts.

GRAHAM

I can’t take another round of “how’re you doing,” “we’re so sorry,” “let us know if you need anything.” They’ve all been sickeningly nice. I want them to go back to being assholes.

NATHAN

So you decided to beat them to the punch?

GRAHAM

My husband’s dead and my family is trying to evict me, so excuse me for not being Susie Snowflake.

NATHAN

Who?

GRAHAM

(getting angry)

You should have had a will, Nathan.

NATHAN

I know.

GRAHAM

You had no pension, or life insurance, or anything to help me.

NATHAN

Neither did you.

GRAHAM

But I didn’t die first! And my mother would have helped you honor my wishes. Your family took over your funeral. Did everything their way. I was too distraught to argue. They had it at a church, Nathan. When was the last time we stepped foot in one of those?

NATHAN

Funerals are for the living, not the deceased.

GRAHAM

The priest never mentioned my name! Or that you were married. They wouldn’t let any of our friends give eulogies, only your cousins that I never met. It was horrible.

NATHAN

I know. I should have left clearer instructions. But… who wants to plan their funeral. I’d rather focus on our Oscar and Tony parties.

GRAHAM

If that weren’t bad enough, your family heard that if a married man dies without a will or children, his parents are entitled to half his belongings.

NATHAN

Who cares? It’s just stuff.

GRAHAM

I care! Your stuff is all I have left of you. And did you miss the part about them suing me to get half the house as well?

NATHAN

You know my family, once they realize how much work and money this is going to be, they’ll back off.

GRAHAM

I thought so, too. Then I got the court summons. So right now, I can’t be sure of anything. Last month I was a happily married man. One car accident later, I’m a soon-to-be- homeless widow.

NATHAN

Widower, actually.

GRAHAM

Whatever. The point is, your family is trying to rewrite our history.

NATHAN

They won’t.

GRAHAM

Wish I shared your confidence. At the after-funeral luncheon, your sister’s house was filled with pictures of you. I wasn’t in one of them.

NATHAN

We have plenty of pictures together.

GRAHAM

It reminded me of the time we went to your cousin’s wedding and they asked for an extended family photo. As you and your family were gathering, I assumed you were going to pull me into the picture like Michael Corleone did with Kay in The Godfather. But you didn’t.

NATHAN

I didn’t even want to be in that picture. Why would I force you to fake a smile with those morons?

GRAHAM

It still hurt like Hell, and set a precedence. I wasn’t seen as part of the family.

(NATHAN sits down on the couch and puts his arm around GRAHAM.)

NATHAN

You’re right. I’m sorry. I thought I was protecting you, but turns out I was giving them more ammunition.

GRAHAM

You gotta be a figment of my imagination. The real Nathan would never tell me I was right.

NATHAN

You’re wrong. I’ve told you. On rare occasions. But you need to remember that our friends are our real family.

GRAHAM

And they’re not speaking to me anymore.

NATHAN

We both know they’re giving you space. They’ll come drag you out after a while.

GRAHAM

Or your parents will throw me out first.

NATHAN

Don’t let them scare you.

GRAHAM

Too late. They’re scaring me more than that creepy clown in the last movie we saw together. I can’t do this, Nathan. I can’t face this alone.

(GRAHAM rises to avoid NATHAN, but he’s hot on his heels.)

NATHAN

Yes you can. You’ll go to that court house and remind everybody that our marriage was true, valid and meant something. Make sure everything we had together is not washed away by my family.

GRAHAM

It’s not fair. We were supposed to live happily ever after.

NATHAN

I did.

GRAHAM

What?

NATHAN

Lived happily right up until the end. Most people don’t.

GRAHAM

I won’t.

NATHAN

You don’t know that. Your story’s not finished.

GRAHAM

It’s going to end horribly, with your parents destroying all we built.

NATHAN

You’ll defeat them.

GRAHAM

They’ll keep coming back, like the clown in that movie.

NATHAN

That really did a number on you, didn’t it.

GRAHAM

Because it was the last time I had you to put your arms around me when I got scared.

NATHAN

And you’re scared now.

GRAHAM

Terrified.

NATHAN

Come here.

(NATHAN puts his arm around GRAHAM.)

GRAHAM

It’s not the same… I know you’re not here. You can’t protect me anymore. You abandoned me…

NATHAN

And how does that make you feel?

GRAHAM

You my shrink now?

NATHAN

You must be pissed at me.

GRAHAM

At times. At other times, I get pissed. And by that I mean-

NATHAN

Yell at me.

GRAHAM

What?

NATHAN

Scream. Get angry. Maybe that’s why I’m here. For you to give me hell for leaving you in this situation.

GRAHAM

I can’t.

NATHAN

(almost yelling)

Give me hell!

GRAHAM

Damn, you Nathan! How could you do this to me! How could you leave me when I needed you most!

NATHAN

And worse! I left you vulnerable to those vultures that are my family. They’re going to take away everything you own.

GRAHAM

Over my dead body!

(GRAHAM begins throwing his clothes at NATHAN. He will never quite hit him, and the audience should question if he’s missing on purpose or are the items passing through NATHAN. Both their energies are heightened)

NATHAN

Fired up now?

GRAHAM

I‘m just getting started.

NATHAN

Let’s finish it at the courthouse.

GRAHAM

But-

NATHAN

No buts. Go make coffee.

GRAHAM

Yes, sir.

(GRAHAM slowly starts offstage. NATHAN follows.)

NATHAN

Instead of your paranormal romance, today you’re going to research similar court cases while eating your cereal.

GRAHAM

OK.

NATHAN

And will you please put on those slippers I bought you! We’re not made of socks!

(Together they exit. BLACKOUT.)

The End

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Over ninety of Thomas J. Misuraca’s short stories have appeared in publications worldwide. Three of his novels and a short story collection have been published, including the comical, The Department of Lost Souls with Rob Werner. He is also a multi-award winning playwright with over one hundred one-acts produced globally, and eleven full-lengths produced around the US, including his musical, Geeks!, which ran Off Broadway in this year. For more information, visit www.tommiz.com.