Ever After
CHARACTERS
PRINCESS — 20s-30s. A fairytale princess whose gotten her every wish her whole life.
FROG — 20s-30s. Green, goggle-eyed, flippers. Male or female.
MOTHER GOOSE — Everybody’s grandmother.
PRINCESS — 20s-30s. A fairytale princess whose gotten her every wish her whole life.
FROG — 20s-30s. Green, goggle-eyed, flippers. Male or female.
MOTHER GOOSE — Everybody’s grandmother.
SETTING
Fairyland, MOTHER GOOSE’S marriage counseling office. A couch with a comfortable chair opposite. Perhaps a desk.
TIME
The eternal present.
SYNOPSIS
The fairytale marriage between PRINCESS and PRINCE CHARMING has hit a bumpy patch. It seems the prince has reverted to his amphibious past, changing back into a frog. Can the marriage counseling of MOTHER GOOSE bring back the magic in their relationship?
Running time: 10 minutes.
EVER AFTER
Lights up on PRINCESS and FROG seated at opposite ends of the couch.
MOTHER GOOSE
(Enters with a notepad and pen, crosses to them.)
Good afternoon. I’m Doctor Goose. Welcome to Ever After Marriage Counseling, Princess … bows to her … and uh … (Checks her notes)
FROG
(Croaking.) Prince. Prince Charming. Ribbit.
(PRINCESS snorts derisively)
MOTHER GOOSE
Very well, Prince.
FROG
Marriage therapy was my idea, doctor
MOTHER GOOSE
Great. Please call me “Mother.” I’ve found it helps to eliminate trust barriers. And what made you two seek counseling? What is it in your marriage that has broken down?
PRINCESS
Do broken promises qualify? He doesn’t want me to leave him because he’ll have to return my dowry.
MOTHER GOOSE
Okay, we’ll get to that. Everybody gets a chance to be heard. Before we get started, may I ask how you happened to choose Ever After?
FROG
A couple of our friends, the Shoemaker and the Baker’s wife said you helped with their marriages.
MOTHER GOOSE
Good to know. That kind of feedback is gratifying. So, how can I help you two.
PRINCESS
I want a divorce.
MOTHER GOOSE
Why is that?
PRINCESS
Because he is so slimy.
FROG
Hey, you’re not perfect either. Ribbit.
MOTHER GOOSE
(Taking notes)
Alright, how about a little background? How long have you been married?
PRINCESS
Two years.
MOTHER GOOSE
And how did you first meet?
PRINCESS
We met by chance three summers ago. At least I thought it was by chance. Lately I realize he was stalking me. That day I had lost my golden ball while I was swimming in the lake.
MOTHER GOOSE
(Looks up from notebook.)
Golden ball?
PRINCESS
Yes, a ball made of gold given to me by my fairy godmother. He retrieved it from the lake for me.
MOTHER GOOSE
So, he was a stranger, a good Samaritan.
PRINCESS
Good Samaritan? Ha! He made me promise to take him home with me before retrieving it.
FROG
It wasn’t that sleezy. She makes it sound like it was coercion or something.
MOTHER GOOSE
But you did extract a promise from her before helping?
FROG
No! I mean, yes, but it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t like I just wanted to … you know— Ribbit—her. It was love at first sight. I fell head over heels the second I saw her.
PRINCESS
You mean head over flippers.
FROG
(Ignoring her) I asked her to invite me home for dinner. I wanted to get to be with her, to get to know her. [Pause.] Plus, I hadn’t had a decent meal in a while.
MOTHER GOOSE
So why not retrieve the golden ball and then ask her out to dinner?
PRINCESS
It wasn’t just dinner – he insisted I take him to bed with me.
MOTHER GOOSE
Is that true? You demanded sex as repayment?
FROG
No!
PRINCESS
Liar!
FROG
I mean, the bed part is true, yes. I told her upfront if she wanted her golden ball, she would have to let me eat from her plate and take me to bed with her for three nights. It was necessary to break the spell.
MOTHER GOOSE
Spell? What spell?
FROG
I was under a witch’s spell. In order to break the spell, a princess had to let me eat from her plate and share her bed. Just share the bed. Sex was not required.
MOTHER GOOSE
(To PRINCESS) And you agreed?
PRINCESS
I wanted my golden ball back. I would have promised anything. It’s very precious to me. That agreement would never stand up in court. It was made under duress.
MOTHER GOOSE
I’m no lawyer, but it sounds like a binding agreement to me.
FROG
Her father, the King, thought so.
MOTHER GOOSE
He did?
PRINCESS
(Reluctantly) Yes, Daddy insisted I live up to my promise. Royal family honor and all that hogwash.
MOTHER GOOSE
(Aside) It does sound a little like prostitution, though.
PRINCESS
What did you say? So, him taking advantage of my predicament is my fault? Blame the victim?
(PRINCESS begins texting.)
MOTHER GOOSE
What are you doing?
PRINCESS
Posting this exchange online under “hashtag Me Too.”
MOTHER GOOSE
Okay, okay, I apologize. I’m sorry. You’re right. So, he retrieved your golden ball and you brought him home with you.
PRINCESS
Are you kidding? No, I didn’t bring him home. He gave me back my golden ball then the first chance I got, I ditched him.
MOTHER GOOSE
You met up later?
PRINCESS
He tracked me down. He is a stalker. I kept slamming the door in his face. That is until Daddy got the whole story out of me and insisted I live up to my promise. Can’t tarnish the family good name and all that rot. I kept telling him, “We’re aristocrats! We’re supposed to be debauched, to lie, cheat and murder! It’s in the bloodline!”
MOTHER GOOSE
Alright, so three dinners and three — let’s call them sleepovers. What happened next?
FROG
I turned back into my true self, a Prince. Then we were married. She seemed very happy at first. Ribbit.
MOTHER GOOSE
Okay, but you’re a frog again. How did that happen?
PRINCESS
It happened because he wound up back in the arms of his witchy-poo, that’s what.
MOTHER GOOSE
Let’s step back here for a second. There’s something in both of you, some part of you both that wants to save this marriage.
FROG
I want to. Her father made her agree to come. He doesn’t want divorce to put a blot on the family name.
PRINCESS
Leave Daddy out of this.
FROG
I would love to, but the old coot keeps inserting himself into our marriage.
PRINCESS
(Flipping him off.) Insert this!
MOTHER GOOSE
Time out! Let’s all take a deep breath. [Pause] Close your eyes. Both of you. I want you to think back to when you were courting. What were you thinking?
FROG
I was thinking how beautiful she was.
PRINCESS
I was thinking I could change him into Prince Charming.
MOTHER GOOSE
What made you think that?
PRINCESS
Because that’s what he told me. He told me a wicked witch had cast a spell on him.
FROG
She did! She messed me up.
PRINCESS
He said only I could lift the enchantment. That was his line. Do you believe I fell for that?
MOTHER GOOSE
Perhaps both of you had some unrealistic expectations.
FROG
I’ll say. She lives in a fairytale world.
PRINCESS
And you don’t? (To Mother) Oh, but that’s not all. Six months into the marriage I see a text message on his phone to Ms. Witchy-poo herself confirming a hook-up.
MOTHER GOOSE
Is that true?
FROG
She put another spell on me. This time I was able to break it myself. Right after that, I texted her and told her we were through. Ribbit.
PRINCESS
While I was standing over him.
MOTHER GOOSE
A marriage can survive infidelity, although infidelity after only six months is a big red flag. Tell me, have the two of you ever discussed having children? How do you feel about it?
PRINCESS
For a doctor you sure don’t know much about biology.
FROG
I wouldn’t mind a little tad. Watching him grow. Playing ball in the back yard. Shagging flies.
PRINCESS
I’m getting sick here. I’m about to puke all over the carpet.
MOTHER GOOSE
Adoption is always an option.
PRINCESS
Look, I’m not having kids with a father who hibernates all winter. The silver lining is at least I don’t have to listen to him croak Christmas carols in the shower.
FROG
I’ll turn back into a prince. It takes time. I’ve been seeing a specialist to help me change back.
MOTHER GOOSE
What kind of specialist?
FROG
A good witch. Ribbit.
PRINCESS
Him and his witches. They’re a fetish with him.
(PRINCESS rises.)
MOTHER GOOSE
Where are you going?
PRINCESS
This is pointless. (To FROG) You’ll be hearing from my attorney.
FROG
Okay, but your golden ball is now community property.
PRINCESS
What? It was my fairy godmother’s. It’s my most prized possession.
FROG
That’s the law in this state, as I’m sure your attorney will explain.
PRINCESS
That’s ridiculous. Is that true, Mother?
MOTHER GOOSE
I’m afraid I can’t advise you. I’m not an attorney. I don’t know all the laws of Fairyland. It’s beyond my purview as a marriage counselor.
FROG
Well, I’m very familiar with the Rules of Enchantment— Section 3, Article 2: The spell breaker, that’s you … (indicating PRINCESS), forfeits the precious article, i.e. the golden ball, returned by the enchanted suitor, i.e. me.
MOTHER GOOSE
(To PRINCESS) A woman in your royal position should have a pre-nup.
PRINCESS
It was a fairytale marriage. There are no pre-nups in fairytale marriages. [Pause] Alright, then. I get the castle.
FROG
Ha! You can have that drafty old pile of rubble. I’d rather live in a cave.
PRINCESS
Isn’t that where witchy lives?
FROG
You drove me back into her arms! Ribbit!
PRINCESS
Aha! So, you are still seeing her! I knew it! (Whips out her phone) I’ve got it all for the record. I’ve been recording this whole thing. I’m taking this to my attorney. We’ll see who gets what.
(PRINCESS Exits.)
FROG
(Yelling after her.) Go ahead. Your father will disown you. You’ll never be queen. He’ll cut you out of the succession. (To Mother) Mother do something!
MOTHER GOOSE
Hey, I’m no magician. I can only help people who want help.
FROG
This is terrible. Now I’ll never get back to being a prince.
MOTHER GOOSE
Let’s talk about that. Your unhappiness seems to spring from a deep-seated rejection of who you are, your true nature. Have you ever considered that perhaps deep down you really are a frog and you can’t accept it?
FROG
No! I’m definitely a prince. Ask anybody. Ribbit.
MOTHER GOOSE
Then why this self-destructive behavior? Why keep running back to this witch who keeps turning you back into a frog?
FROG
(Taken up short.) Hmm. Well, I don’t know. I guess that is something to think about.
MOTHER GOOSE
How about we schedule another session, just the two of us? Say next Friday at three-thirty?
FROG
Yes, I think I’d better. Thank you, Mother Goose. You’ve given me something to think about.
(FROG rises to leave.)
MOTHER GOOSE
Uh, Mr. Charming? Prince?
FROG
Yes, Mother?
MOTHER GOOSE
My policy is pay as you go. I require a payment for this session.
FROG
Of course. (Searches himself) I’m afraid all I have on me are these magic beans given to me by witchy—uh, I mean a friend.;
MOTHER GOOSE
Magic beans? Really? (Reluctantly takes the beans.) Okay. But next time I’m afraid I must insist on hard treasure – gold or jewels.
FROG
Of course. Thanks again, Mother. Ribbit. (Exits hopping.)
MOTHER GOOSE
Magic beans. What am I supposed to do with magic beans? Make bean soup?
((Staring at the beans in her hand, she gets an idea and picks up the phone.)
Hello? Is this Jack? Jack, this is Mother Goose. Yes, dear, it has been awhile. The reason I called is, I understand you’re looking to sell your milk cow. Well, my darling boy, have I got a deal for you. It’s a giant opportunity for you to really move up in the world.
BLACKOUT
Michael Waterson is a retired journalist from Pittsburgh PA. His checkered career includes stints as a forest firefighter, San Francisco taxi driver and wine educator. He earned and MFA in creative writing from Mills College. His poetry has appeared in numerous online and print journals, and his one act plays have been produced in California and Massachusetts. He may be reached on facebook.com/michaelwaterson; on Twitter: @m_waterson and through his website, michaelwatersonpoetry.com.